Raymond Chandler

Many of you know this...I'm an audiobook fan.  I had a moment of doubt about them initially when I realized that the reader and director/producer are influencing my interpretation of the characters by giving them voices and my interpretation of the story by their vocal inflections,  but once I reconciled that I was ALL IN.  I have no doubt that I am influenced but mostly I feel that its an enhancement much like a film's interpretation of a story. (And some folks - you know who you are - question how you can skim through parts in an audiobook.  You can.  The technical term for it is  "napping" ;)

Recently I chose to listen to Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep, primarily because the reader, Ray Porter, is one of my favorites (and it was on sale).  Wow it was awesome. It turns out I hadn't read any Chandler (I thought I had but I think I was getting him confused with Jim Thompson) and I have to tell you, I kind of fell in love.  I have been a longtime fan of pulp fiction and film noir, most notably Dashiell Hammett's The Maltese Falcon - both book and film - and I guess I was expecting it to be in a similar vein.  The vein might be similar but the blood is WAY different.  (Apologies for that terrible metaphor.)

His style is masculine, terse, sarcastic, wry, witty, elegant, poetic.  Nearly every phrase he writes is quotable.  His dialog is amazing. Chandler's main character, Philip Marlowe, seems less jaded than Sam Spade which makes him a bit more accessible.

Chandler wrote a often quoted critical essay about crime drama in 1944 called The Simple Art of Murder.  He describes his thoughts on Marlowe which sums up exactly what I'm thinking but much more eloquently:  "a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man.  He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor - by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it and certainly without saying it.  He must be the best man in his world and good enough for any world.  I do not care much about his private life; he is neither a eunuch nor a satyr; I think he might seduce a duchess and I am quite sure he would not spoil a virgin; if he is a man of honor in one thing, he is that in all things."

Interesting coming from a guy who was kind of a mess.  He lost jobs due to alcoholism (my favorite thing is he insisted he write the entire last act of The Black Dahlia while blind drunk and the studio went for it!) and only wrote 7 novels plus a smattering of short stories and screenplays.  

He was also sarcastic as fuck in his real life.  As a girl who nicknames most of her coworkers, I appreciate a man who, because he wasn't a fan of hers, called Veronica Lake "Moronica Lake". Heh.

Another thing I love about him is his wife was a total cougar - she was 18 years his senior!  Go, Cissy Chandler!

Plus, cat lover!!

Anyway, Ray Porter also read the audiobook for Farewell My Lovely as well, so I decided to listen to both then watch both the films.  Here you have it.

The Big Sleep - book published in 1939, film released in 1946

First thing to note: They smoke so much in this film I thought I was going to get emphysema just from watching.

Second thing to note: The book has some severely antiquated views regarding homosexuality.  One must read (listen) with an eye to the era in which it was written.

Third thing to note: Since when does it rain all the fucking time in LA?  Did this happen more in the 1930's than it does now?  What up??

Favorite quote from the book:  When Carmen is crawling around trying to grab a gun off the floor Marlowe says,  "Get up, Angel.  You look like a Pekinese."

Raymond Chandler's stories in general are pretty convoluted (he's heavy on stylized, awesome writing, light on plot), so the film tries to streamline this.  I actually like the ending in the book a bit more than the film version, it's grittier and more fucked up.

Howard Hawks directed this and William Faulkner actually wrote the screenplay.

It's a mystery with a gumshoe detective and duplicitous women who need his help.  Classic pulp fiction; the actual plot is almost incidental. 

Humphrey Bogart plays Philip Marlowe and Lauren Bacall plays the femme fatale, Vivian.  This is the second film Bogart and Bacall are in together and WOW can you see their chemistry.  It's electric.  Apparently they had filmed To Have and Have Not (also directed by Hawks) and had started their affair on that film.  They were already filming The Big Sleep when THAHN was released.  The response to Bogie and Bacall was so great that they ended up re-editing The Big Sleep with some juicier scenes to capitalize on the relationship.  The Big Sleep was actually released two years after they were married.  They have an amazing story actually - May/December romance, truly the love of each other's lives.  You should Google them and look at pics when they are together.  Who knew Bogie smiled?  It's simply heartwarming.

I also credit my film school education and mother's love of movies with knowing that the guy who played the ill-fated Harry Jones in The Big Sleep was also in The Maltese Falcon as one of the best characters - the wimpy, weepy Wilmer Cook - Joel Cairo's (Peter Lorre) thug/boyfriend.  Elisha Cook Jr. was one of the great character actors of the time.  He's really awesome in both films. 

(My drink pairing for this film is two fingers of cheap whisky.  From your "office bottle".)

Murder My Sweet (book title: Farewell My Lovely) -  book published in 1940, film released in 1944

First thing to note:  this film actually came out BEFORE The Big Sleep, so Dick Powell was the original Philip Marlowe on film.

Second thing to note:  They changed the title because Dick Powell was a singer/dancer and the studios thought that Farewell My Lovely might be mistaken for a musical because the name is...whimsical?  Whatevs.

Third thing to note:  This book keeps the antiquated ideas coming but this time about race.  Sigh.

Favorite quote from the book:  I have two (out of the MANY)

1 - "Even on Central Avenue, not the quietest dressed street in the world, he looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food."

2 - "She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket."

This movie takes quite a leap away from the book.  The beginning and end are both significantly different.  There is a weird middle section where Marlowe is in a hospital getting pumped full of drugs which they kept in - I'm thinking they kept this because they got to do bizarro "special effects" like a filter over the lens to create a "web" effect and some awesome multiple-door layered effect with the doctor moving through the doors like a ghost.  Innovative for the time.  Not so much now.

The films keep Chandler's wry sense of humor, which is good.  In this film, Marlowe strikes his match on the ass of a Cupid statue. That actually made me LOL.

Also, you always have to hand it to old films to get a beat on the fashions of the day. It's actually alarming how high Dick Powell's pants are (see below) and my theory is that is why they had to shorten tie lengths back then - to compensate. 

(My drink pairing for this is less drink but still mind-altering - smoke a marijuana cigarette (to use Chandler's vernacular). I'm sure it will make that hospital scene infinitely more palatable.)

My takeaways:

#1 - I took a Film Noir class in college (which might have been the point I realized that I loved being a film major) and it was probably my favorite class ever.

#2 - Another class I took was Family Melodrama.  The film I remember most was Magnificent Obsession (Rock Hudson/Jane Wyman)- and one of the main characters was in Murder My Sweet - an actor named Otto Kruger.  He was almost godlike in Magnificent Obsession, but he was definitely a bad guy in Murder My Sweet.

#3 - Someday I'll have to do a post on Noir films specifically.  SUCH a great genre.

xoxo...hashtagSueslife

I'm ready for my close up, Mr DeMille

Hi gang!  

First of all, I recently realized that this blog is a year old!  I am humbled and honored that anyone AT ALL is still reading it!  You guys are seriously the best.

Another thing that honors me is when anyone feels they want to join me in this endeavor.  

So for this post, I am VERY happy to present my blogguest, the inimitable Lisa Franklin. We have known each other for probably 25 years now (maybe a bit more but a girl doesn't have to divulge ALL her secrets).  We bonded over old movies and crazy evenings in shitty SF music clubs.  She writes beautifully and has an amazing sense of humor, as you will see below.  

She is a person that makes me laugh so hard I ache and fills me with love.

Here, she gifts us with a glimpse into a family tradition.

xoxo....hashtagSueslife

The Ten Commandments

Passover in my family always involves several rituals.  When my children were small, no Seder service was complete without the re-enacting of the plagues.  Each plate had a paper bag next to it full of afflictions and scourges.  At the appropriate time during the Passover dinner when reading out loud about the plagues, we would reach into our bags and then…  Mayhem reigned!!  Ping-pong balls were thrown at each other across the table while we recited “fiery hail”!  “Three days of darkness” – don your sunglasses!  Rubber bugs were bandied about (sometimes onto plates of Gifilte fish (ick), and haroset (yum!) during “pestilence”.  The little plastic cows we each had next to our plates were knocked over during “livestock disease”.  Frogs were flung and imaginary lice were scratched! 

Another ritual was equally as important to our family:  the watching of Cecil B. DeMille’s “The Ten Commandments” (1956).  It was on TV every year around the time of Passover and Easter.  Years ago during the kids’ Easter break, when we were all on vacation in Raleigh, N.C. - all 5 of us piled into one room in a Motel 6 eating Ramen made in the coffee maker - we turned on the T.V., and there it was!!  As dependable as an argument over pool toys!

And this spring, to our absolute delight, my daughter and I were privileged to see all 3 hours and 39 minutes of this movie spectacle (presented by TMC) on the big screen!  The film was shown how it was originally presented in movie theaters in 1956 - Cecil B. Demille came on the screen first talking about the extensive research that went into the film.  The film score included a musical prelude, intermission, and audience exit music.  

Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner play the two warring brothers fighting not only for their father’s attentions, but those of Nefretiri, played lusciously by Anne Baxter. Charlton is at his chiseled best as Moses.  Yul Brynner, at his uber-manliest, plays the pharaoh, Ramses.  Woo friggin’ hoo!  Head shaved, he struts, he poses, his muscles bulge and pecs glisten as he refuses to let Moses’ people go.  Anne Baxter is magnificent as the lover of young Moses (the fun Moses – before he has that chat with the burning bush and becomes absolutely no fun at all.)

The Pharoah’s daughter is childless and plucks a basket from the river.  In it is a baby (played by Heston’s real son), an infant set onto the Nile because Ramses’ father (Pharaoh, Sr.) issued an edict that all first born male babies should be put to death.  The pharoah’s advisors had warned Pharoah, Sr. that a Jewish leader had been born that would free all the slaves.  Pharoah takes no chances and orders all Jewish male babies murdered. Moses’ mother sets baby Heston afloat.

Moses grows into the manly man of Charlton Heston.  Ramses hates Moses because he is favored by Ramses’ father and Ramses fears that Moses will be chosen as the next ruler of Egypt.

Anne Baxter’s Nefretiri is promised to Ramses, but she has the hots for Moses in a big way.  Apparently saying Moses’ name 2 times in a row in a low husky voice in every other sentence while clasping his oiled biceps is the best way to display her passion.  (“Oh, Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!”) Baxter is costumed in rich, flowing fabrics and jewelry and owns the screen, big or small, when she steps onto it.  She is, by far, my favorite character.

Ten Commandment Tidbits

•  10 years in the planning, 3 years in research, 3 years in writing and more than a year in the actual shooting, this version was the biggest undertaking in the history of film at that time.  At least 14,000 extras and 15,000 animals were used in the film.
•  Edward G. Robinson (who was actually blacklisted at the time) plays Dathan, the slimey slave trader
• What???  Lily Munster (Yvonne DeCarlo) plays Moses’ shepherdess wife, Sephora.
• Notice the short but illuminating interaction between Nefretiri and Moses’ wife bonding over the fact that once Moses had that tete a tete with the burning bush, his reed for both of the women went limp:

Nefretiri: You need have no fear of me. 
Sephora: I feared only his memory of you. 
Nefretiri: You have been able to erase it. 
Sephora: He has forgotten both of us. You lost him when he went to seek his God. I lost him when he found his God.

• Yul Brynner did extensive weight lifting, since in many scenes he would be bare chested (and we thank Yah-weh for every scene).
•  “Every year since 1973, the American TV network ABC airs this film on Easter, or Passover. In 1999, when for some reason ABC chose not to televise it, they received numerous irate phone calls from people accustomed to watching it every Easter than they have for any other film they have ever telecast.” - Wikipedia
• The parting of the Red Sea took 3 years to execute and one million dollars of the film’s thirteen million dollar budget.
• There is a 1923 silent version of “The Ten Commandments” also directed by Cecil B. DeMille.  Because it was filmed prior to the 1930 Hayes Code (which put restrictions on film for “morality” reasons) it is supposed to be pretty racey.  Breasts popping out of thin fabrics, titillating sexuality. 
• Charlton Heston talked DeMille into using his own voice for the voice of God.  Heston believed Moses would have heard God’s voice in his own head. 
• According to Charlton Heston's autobiography, the filming of the orgy scenes was so arduous that one disgruntled female extra exclaimed, "Who do I have to f*** to get OUT of this movie?"

Watch this extravaganza while feasting on Matzah (unleavened bread) and Haroset (chopped apples, nuts, and wine).  Best paired with a 2016 Manischewitz Concord Grape Wine.  Le Chaim! 

Judgey McJudgerson

Anyone who has had more than a five minute conversation with me probably knows I'm a fan of the TV show The Voice.

Don't judge.  I know that these shows are silly and fixed (at least to a degree), and I'm not even a fan of any of the judge's music but there is something about it that sucks me in.  Maybe it's the Adam/Blake bromance?  Or the fact that Pharrell seems like the nicest guy ever (apparently my brother and sister-in-law call him the Buddha, heh!)?  Or, most likely, it's because it's a show of people with crazy amazing singing voices that start out looking like they did their own hair and makeup and end up looking like superstars.

Anyway, don't worry...this isn't a post about that TV show.  But the other day I was flipping through the channels and the movie Burlesque was on.  And this post idea was born.  Let's examine movies the celebrity judges of The Voice have been in.  Lucky for you all, there are only a couple (I don't count Pharrell doing the music for movies like Despicable Me...the judges have to be "acting").

Christina Aguilera

Burlesque - released in 2010

This is Xtina's foray into feature films.  Its only 6 years ago, but she looks really young in this film.  She's also tiny.  And her hair is a lovely, healthy blonde, not the super bleached out, looks-like-it's-gonna-break-off-if-anyone-breathes-too-close-to-her platinum that it is now.  Well, actually RIGHT now it's a pale shade of lavender.  With weird rings in it.  Not my favorite look for her, but honestly if anyone can pull it off, it's Xtina.  She's also gained weight since Burlesque.  She looks great, but her outfit choices as a Voice coach are a bit suspect.  Half the time it looks like her boobs are going to pop out of her shirt if she takes a deep breath and she is consistently stuffed into something that looks two sizes too small.  I firmly believe one wouldn't even notice any weight gain if she dressed for her actual body instead of painting on these ridiculous outfits (and I'm not talking about wearing a muumuu...just wear a size 4 instead of a 0). 

Exhibit A - hair AND boobs from this week's Voice episode:

Anyway, the movie.  

I remember when I first saw this film, in the theatre.  Actually, let's be honest - I don't really remember all that much because I saw it with the ladies of Clandestine and Nalgenes of margaritas were in hand (and mouth, eventually).  What I DO remember is that it was pretty much just us 4 girls with rows and rows of gay boys.  Fabulous!  I also remember Clandestine having a glitter eye makeup epiphany.  Xtina sports some excellent eye art in this film.  Well, always really.  See above pic.

This is not a terrible movie.  It is also not a particularly good movie. It's truly "meh". It's a musical in the newer sense of the term - the songs still reflect the story arc but it's performances, not just Kansas farm girls meeting munchkins.  So Xtina's character delves into the world of burlesque at a club owned by the inimitable Cher.  Cher always delivers, IMHO.  She only has one song in this movie, but she sings the fuck out of it (if I remember correctly, some of the gay boys in the theatre might have clapped).  While I was watching I was hoping a conversation like this might have happened when they were casting:

Movie Exec:  Sorry Cher, this is a Christina Aguilera vehicle.  You know, we are breaking her into films so she's going to sing all the songs.

Cher:  Um, I'm mother-fucking Cher.   Half Breed, my daughter is now my son, a goddam fashion icon. CHER.  I'm doing a song.

Movie Exec:  Yes ma'am.

Stanley Tucci plays her gay best friend.  This was in Tucci's hey day of playing gay men (Devil Wears Prada).  I read that some folks find this a tad insulting - that a straight guy gets these roles when there are plenty of great gay actors.  (I wonder if Nathan Lane is the one calling foul on this?)  I can completely sympathize, but I have to give it to him.  He plays a really good gay best friend.

I don't think I'm gonna talk much about the story of this movie because #1 - there is barely any and #2 - it's really about Xtina singing.  And WOW is she a great singer.  I'm also gonna give her an acting shout out.  On The Voice, I don't always like her; she knows her business, but she seems snooty and cold and sometimes (mostly) when she's being all lovey with someone it feels forced to me.  She actually transcended that a bit in this film.   I'm not saying she's the next Meryl Streep, but it felt like she was actually "acting" like a nice person.

(My drink pairing for this is - obviously - a Nalgene of margaritas.  Probably made with Trader Joe's Margarita Mix. Yum!)

Adam Levine (and a bit part for CeeLo Green)

Begin Again - released in 2014

This movie was written and directed by John Carney, the writer/director of Once.  If you haven't seen Once, I highly suggest you watch it.  It's his first film, it's sweet and lovely and all about musicians.

This movie is also about musicians - clearly a subject that is close to Carney's heart (he was in a band called the Frames in the early 90's).  I liked this movie a lot.  Carney has a beautiful way of showing broken people slowly heal themselves through their music, their relationships and their relationship to music.

It's basically about a songwriter (Keira Knightly who, for obvious reasons I've always called Snaggletooth Knightly...there was a moment where I was actually worried that she employed an orthodontist, but I was happily incorrect...that crazy tooth is still there.  Top, screen right.) who gets dumped by her musician boyfriend when he becomes famous and a very down on his luck music executive (Mark Ruffalo) who is a total mess.  They meet and they begin to heal.

Adam Levine plays the successful musician boyfriend.  He cheats on Snaggletooth with someone he had just met.  Parts of this movie resonated with me in ways that I wish it didn't.  It's humiliating to become a stereotype and it makes me sad to think that so many people have their heads turned so quickly by the smallest amount of fame.  Suddenly love and loyalty mean very little to them and so much to those they leave behind.

Whoa.  Sorry.  Baggage alert.

Anyway, on The Voice, Adam Levine seems like an intensely focused, talented spoiled brat.  His character in this film doesn't seem to stray much from that, so while I thought he was good in this I don't feel like he made any great acting strides, you know?

Mark Ruffalo and Snaggletooth were both great.  They did have Snaggletooth sing, which I thought maybe wasn't the most amazing choice.  She's not bad but (like the Tucci argument) there are so many great actresses out there that can really, really sing.  Why not pick one?

There are some interesting supporting folks in here as well, like the aforementioned CeeLo Green (no acting skills at all...he's just CeeLo in all his charming glory) playing the performer that "made" Mark Ruffalo as an agent. Catherine Keener plays Ruffalo's wife (with very few lines which was a blessing...she bugs).  Mos Def plays his business partner and James Corden plays Snaggletooth's friend.  

I love James Corden.  I really, really do.

Similar to Once, Begin Again has an ending that on paper would seem very unsatisfying, but in actuality is just perfect.  Well played, John Carney, well played.

(My drink pairing for this film is a nice chardonnay - all bright notes and citrusy.  Nothing is shocking here but it's completely enjoyable.)

My takeaways:

#1 -  I think if I had never had my last relationship experience I would have liked Begin Again A LOT more.

#2 - I stand corrected about Blake Shelton's movie credits.  He was a voice in the new animated feature, Angry Birds and he's apparently in an Adam Sandler movie.  No matter.  I'm not gonna revue it.

#3 - I think Pharrell has the most beautiful face.  

xoxo...hashtagSueslife

SugarTits (a post from the past)

The past couple weeks have been exceedingly busy and I haven't even had a chance to sit down and watch movies (it's all I can do to keep up with this season of The Voice - don't judge!).

I originally wrote this in Feb 2015 (so the "last week" mentioned below isn't LAST week). And I hope you all remember the incident which is the reason for the title of this blog:

"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" — to female police officer during 2006 DUI arrest

(I actually was going to point you to a link of all the terrible things Gibson has said over the years, but they are frankly scary as shit.  He's a complete nutter.)

So until we meet again, Happy Cinco de Mayo...have a margarita for me!

Last week I was (again) watching commercial TV and the Lethal Weapon series was on.  Naturally my first thought on this was "Pure Gold"!  I mean, how can you lose?  I could go with two from the series, I could go with Danny Glover or...the obvious choice.

So it's been years since I've seen Lethal Weapon.  I loved it when it came out...cop movie, buddy movie, Mel Gibson's naked ass.  It was released in 1987 and spawned FIVE sequels.  Wow.   The "1987" was so clear in the hairdos (Mel is sporting a fine mullet) and outfits. And the music is all bluesy sax.  The story is that Mel plays a guy who's had a lot of personal tragedy and no one can tell if he's truly crazy or trying to pull a scam to get out of his job.  There is a poignant (heh) scene where Mel is maybe gonna put a bullet in his brain, but ends up all sobby instead.  Danny Glover is a guy who just turns 50 and doesn't want to deal with any of this.  His tagline is 'I'm too old for this shit".  They get caught up in stuff they shouldn't which leads to Glover's family being threatened.  Then Mel gets to show off and shoot a lot of people.

To add to the crazy in this movie is Gary Motherfucking Busey!  I had completely forgotten he was in this!  He's a bizarre guy anyway, but he's playing a really driven second to the main bad guy.  He does shit like burns his arm with a lighter but doesn't flinch.  Oy!

Sidenote: my mother LOVED Danny Glover, she met him at the Bammies one year and he kissed her cheek.  She was over the moon.  Even back then (nearly 30 years!) he still moved like an old man.  I looked up if he had any injuries when he was young...I discovered he's epileptic and dyslexic but nothing about why he runs like he's 80.

(I'd suggest pairing this movie with a PBR.  Seriously, it's such a dude movie)

To round out my Gibson experience, I thought I'd revisit Mad Max.  Mad Max came out in 1978.  I didn't discover it until 1981, after I saw The Road Warrior and my world was rocked.  Some of you may know this, but when I went to college, my dream was to move to Australia and make movies with George Miller and Peter Weir.  I loved their movies so much in the '80s!

Mel Gibson is a baby in this movie.  He is adorable, honestly.  But O.M.G. is the dialog in this film terrible.  There is a whole section where Mel and his wife go on this vacation and he tries to tell her that he loves her but he's crap at it.  He gets teary here too.  What's with the crying all the time, Mel?  Showing your "acting" chops??  The bad dialog is made up for by the excellent costuming and hair-raising chase scenes!  I think this film was made on a shoestring budget (I read that only Mel and one other guy got to wear real leather as their costumes...all the other cops had to wear vinyl cuz it's cheaper), so it's pretty impressive that it's so ambitious.

Anyway, Max actually doesn't get "mad" until the last 15 minutes of this movie.  Seriously?   For an hour and 15 minutes he's all sappy and wanting to quit his job because it's dangerous and his friends are getting hurt (my favorite is the guy who has a throat injury and has to talk through one of those mechanical things!).  Then his family is killed by the crazy gang of hooligans and he gets Mad.  He paints his car all black (Sexy!  Before it was yellow and said Interceptor on the back), gets shot in the leg, run over, whatever.  He's like the Terminator...he doesn't quit until he's killed everyone he wants to.

The music was particularly interesting to me.  It is completely over the top dramatic and was really reminding me of Hitchcock movies.  It turns out the composer's earlier work reminded George Miller of Hitchcock's composer which is why he was chosen.  

(My pairing suggestion for this one is a valium and a big glass of water.  It's a stressy film!)

My take away is this:

#1 - Mel had no choice but to go batshit crazy after all the bizarre shit that is the Mad Max world and Gary Busey. He's been surrounded by it from the get go.

#2 - He really has beautiful eyes.

#3 - I wonder what would have happened if he'd stayed in Australia?  Would he have stayed sane?

#4 - I watched a lot cop/car chase movies when i was young (I still do).

All right...there you have it.  I thought about doing a Mel Gibson flight but there was NO WAY I was going to watch Apocalypto.

xoxo....hashtagSueslife

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K

FYI, I find that I tell you guys the most crazy things in this blog.  I'm always willing to roll over and share the soft underbelly of my guilty pleasures with you.

Here is one of my guiltiest...I kind of have always loved Keanu Reeves.

I'm sure many of you know this about me already.  I mean, Keanu is the reason I even came up with this surprisingly useful motto:  One doesn't have to be good at their job for me to want to have a fling with them.

Because I'm a realist.

And Keanu is hot. 

And Keanu is really not that good at his job.

I feel bad saying that because it's not like I don't enjoy some of his movies. The Matrix is awesome.  I love Speed.  My Own Private Idaho.  So good.  

But then there are really, really bad ones.  Dracula?  What was ANYONE thinking hiring him for that?  PAINFUL. (And out of decency let's not even mention Winona Ryder)   Or Much Ado About Nothing?  My dear friend Lisa reminded me last night of when we saw this movie (I have a terrible memory, so I'm always happy when someone reminds me of things!).  When Keanu makes his entrance (he plays Don John) his first line is "I'm a man of few words."  Apparently I leaned over to Lisa and muttered "Thank God."

He's really never a good actor in any of them, even the ones I like.  Sort of stilted line delivery.  Emotionally one note.  But what's crazy is that he has been in some startling films.  Do directors love him because he's like a lump of unformed clay?

And then there is also this thing going around on FB about how he's led such a tragic life but he's an awesome, generous, lovely guy.  Well, okay...?

I'm just gonna go with the fact that I may not want to see many of his films (action ones are fine but certainly none that contain any emotional vein) but I'd sleep with him in a heartbeat.

Don't judge.

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - released in 1989

I remember seeing this movie right when it came out.  I didn't know much about it besides it being about time travel, which is one of my favorite themes.  I also didn't know either of the lead actors in it.  I saw it alone and I still remember completely buying into everything this movie was selling. And by the end, I had a massive crush on Keanu.  To be fair, right around then I was also dating a guy with very similar hair and attitude so I was all in.

Watching it again, I still enjoy this film.  There are a MILLION holes in the plot but the writing is entertaining and witty and some of the performances aren't bad.  Napoleon and Socrates are my personal favorites (Napoleon is over the top and Socrates does some nice, subtle background stuff that's kind of charming).  

There are some interesting contrasting elements that show up in this film.  For instance, our main characters are supposed to be "dimwitted metalheads", yet they have a remarkable vocabulary, using words like egregious, bodacious, odious...smart words.  There are even a couple webpages devoted to "Bill and Ted Speak" (throw that in the "someone has too much time on their hands" bin).   Additionally, even though they are metalheads, the lasting music they create - the music that creates world peace and eradicates hunger (or something like that - I couldn't even remember 10 minutes after watching it) - has this lilting, harmonious, soft sound.  Kind of ambient.  Not terrible. A little boring, actually.

This movie is also an 80's music icon treasure trove.  Jane Wiedlin of the Go Go's plays Joan of Arc (Ted initially thinks she's Noah's wife).  The "Three Most Important People in the World" from the future are Clarence Clemons (E Street Band), Martha Davis (The Motels) and Fee Waybill (The Tubes).  I'd like to think they had a big jam session at the wrap party.

George Carlin is wonderful in this movie as Rufus.  He kept breaking the 4th wall with little eye rolls and brow raises at Bill and Ted's antics.  Early influence for The Office?

And speaking of influences...since I wasn't a Whovian in my youth, I didn't think about this, but their time travel vehicle is a telephone box.  Well played, Bill and Ted writers.

What was really NOT well played by the writers was the lame attempt to wrap everything up by having the guys go back in time after their school presentation to set up situations that make their success possible.  In other words, they didn't think ahead at all and would have completely failed if they didn't have the time machine at their disposal.  I feel like that's just lazy writing, people.

And really, out of all the actors in this film, Keanu was most triumphant (if I may borrow a phrase from the movie) in the long run.  Many immediately faded into oblivion.  Alex Winter, who played Bill, apparently was a Broadway actor prior to this film.  Since this, he's mainly become a director, mostly TV.  My weird bit of trivia is that he's married to an animation producer who is currently on a project at my old company.  Her first name is Ramsey.  Just like my old cat.  I often wanted to call her Ramsamopolous, which was one of my cat's many nicknames.  And if I'm being honest, my Ramsey was cuter and much sweeter.

(My drink pairing for this is a Polar Pop (this also means something else according to Urban Dictionary.  Use your imagination.), which is apparently a popular drink you can create at the Circle K.  It includes the following ingredients:  Go Ape Energy Drink, Mountain Dew, lemonade, a little bit of Slice, a drop of unsweetened ice tea, and some slushee if you are so inclined (mostly to keep it cold)).

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - released in 1991

Oh. My. God. This is a bad movie.  I'd never seen it before for the obvious reason of it sucking, but I thought I'd take one for the team and suffer through it.  

I'm not even sure how to describe what happens in this.   It isn't about time travel, although the bad guy does travel from the future to annihilate Bill and Ted (I guess he hates world peace and stuff).  He sends evil Bill and Ted shaped robots to kill them. Maybe this is done to show that Keanu and Alex Winter have acting "range"?  Didn't really work.  Anyway, B & T end up dead and have to fight the Grim Reaper to come back to Earth and fix the situation.  They have to "beat" Death somehow and they choose board games.  They start with Battleship and that's kind of funny but the gag gets totally overplayed (best 7 out of 10 with various games) so suddenly I was all about TSOP (remember that from my last post? Time Spent On Phone).  The film tries really hard to start a new "cool word" campaign with "Station".  It starts as the name of an alien scientist but the alien uses it for EVERYTHING (like Groot in Guardians of the Galaxy but the alien isn't nearly as appealing) and I guess we are all supposed to as well?  They reference it in the websites devoted to Bill/Ted Speak, so apparently we are.  This same alien scientist creates "good" Bill and Ted robots but they look like something I could build (read: remedial) so I'm not sure why anyone is okay with this.

They use the same hackneyed conceit of the guys using the time machine to go back and set up the scenario so they win.  It's a really unsatisfying conclusion.

Death is my favorite character in this film.  He ends up sticking with the guys as they go back to Earth and save the day.  During the experience, though, he becomes fond of them and when he feels slighted he's a pouty bitch.  Pretty funny.  I think the actor is doing a Swedish accent (?) so it clearly was supposed to be the Ingmar Bergman version of Death in The Seventh Seal.  A bit of a highbrow stretch for a movie like this, but I'll give it to them.

Oh, and in a really weird and unnecessary twist, Bill's super young stepmother from the first movie has divorced Bill's dad and married Ted's dad.  For no apparent reason.  Plus, the girl clearly has daddy issues.  Ew.

(My drink pairing for this film is a can of Bud.  They drink some kind of cheap beer in the film, plus I don't want any of you assuming we'd spend good money on this.)

My takeaways:

#1 - Even after seeing B & T again, my motto still stands.

#2 - I can NOT wait to see the Key and Peele movie, Keanu.  It looks amazing.  See trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9zy27apgI8

#3 - I read this on a Bill and Ted trivia page and thought it was hilarious:

Winter says he and Reeves are still close buds.  In a Reddit AMA last year, Winter recalled, "Once we accidentally stepped out of a restaurant into the middle of the NYC Halloween Parade, and someone walked past us and said (without irony), "Hey look, it's two old, fat guys trying to be Bill and Ted."

xoxo...hashtagSuesLife

Back on track and fighting aliens

I fear my blog and I have lost our way for a bit. Blame it on the rainy weather, the horrific January of Celebrity Deaths or stupid Valentine's Day, but we dipped into an infrequently used pool of sentimentality and introspection.  

My blog and I might have even been attempting to revue with an "iew".  God.  How pretentious.  Shudder.

Well, Spring has sprung, mofos!  There's nothing like a crappy movie from the 80's and a crappy movie ABOUT the 80's to give one that well needed perspective.

Let's get snarking, shall we?

Pixels - released in 2015

I was sitting around one Sunday, minding my own business, when I saw that this movie was on.  Now, I'm not gonna say I'd heard amazing things about this film (or anything about it, actually) but I do love me some Adam Sandler and I'm almost always willing to cut him a huge amount of slack.  So I watched.

This film is basically about a group of kids who, like most kids, played massive amounts of video games in 1982.  They grow up and enjoy varying degrees of success (one guy gets a Geek Squad type of job and his childhood best friend gets the job of being...the POTUS.   Sure.  It could happen).  The Geek Squad guy, Adam Sandler, was amazing at finding the patterns in video games when they were kids.  Earth is invaded by aliens who have seen our video games from the 80's because they were sent into space in a time capsule.  They launch video game attacks (Pac Man, etc).  So who's the POTUS gonna call?  His Geek Squad bestie who is good at video games from 1982.  Handy.

There is no getting around it, this movie is DUMB.

And your Suspension of Disbelief skills get a total workout.  Mine were sore the next day.

But here's the weird thing, I liked it anyway.  It's totally stupid, don't get me wrong! But I was in the mood to watch mindless, dumb shit.  (Give me a break, I had worked the whole weekend!)

I will admit, though, there were points when this almost broke me.

The crazy thing is they got a great cast.  Dan Ackroyd has a cameo, which didn't surprise me because this film definitely tips it's hat to Ghostbusters.  Josh Gad plays one of the geeks (duh).  I love Josh Gad.  He is kind of always awesome.  Most especially when he whispers his lines. I think if I hung out with him I'd laugh all the time and possibly have a huge crush.  But there is also the possibility that he might be a little bit stinky.  Not sure.

You know who else is in this movie?  Peter Dinklage. I also love Peter Dinklage.  Peter Dinklage, however, does not always know how to choose good roles.  And when he chooses poorly, it's REALLY bad (I'm looking at you, Knights of Badassdom).  For some reason, he also thought the best acting choice in this was to play it with a weird accenty-dialect thing that made him sound like he was imitating Robert Downey Jr's character in Tropic Thunder.  Thankfully without the black face.  Sigh.

The not surprising thing is the music in this film is perfect.  Sandler clearly loves a good 80's soundtrack and this totally delivers.

It's directed by Chris Columbus of Harry Potter fame...read my Potter post to see how I'm super lukewarm on his directing style.  Therefore, the fact that Aunt Petunia is cast in this is no surprise.

There is a ton of animation, the style looking much like what you might have played on your Atari back in the day.  It's clever and the animation is good.  The end credits are my favorite though, they look like an old time MS-DOS computer game.

This movie is sublimely 1982 boy humor.  The only thing I missed was an Oregon Trail representation.  SOMEONE should have died of dysentery.

(My drink pairing suggestion for this is an Alabama Slammer.  A favorite of mine in the 80's and might dull the pain of actually watching this film.)

The Last Starfighter - released in 1984

I remember when this movie came out.  Why do I remember?  The leading man, the last starfighter himself, was played by a local boy.  Lance Guest.  He grew up in Saratoga, CA and his mom used to come into the Saratoga Community Library where I worked in 1984.  She was a lovely woman who checked out a lot of travel books. And she was VERY proud of her son.  

This movie, upon viewing it now, is truly terrible.  I couldn't even get through it without continually turning to Facebook for relief.  (you guys, I just realized there is an initialism for this. From The Skimm - TSOP: Time spent on phone.  Or a way of quantifying how good a show is.  Use it in a sentence, not just sporadically: "very low TSOP watching the OJ show last night."  Wow, I'm so "on fleek", huh? (psst...did I use that right??))   I was ready to blame it all on the director until I looked him up on the Internet.  His name is Nick Castle.  HE PLAYED MICHAEL MYERS IN HALLOWEEN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  One of the creepiest motherfuckers around.  AND he was friends with John Carpenter.  AND he cowrote Escape From New York with Carpenter.  Fuck.  Now I have to love him.  Nick Castle, how could you have had such auspicious beginnings and fritter them away on this pathetic movie?

So this movie is about a kid from a trailer park who obsessively (even ignoring his 80's-hot girlfriend) plays a video game until he beats it.  It's actually a recruitment device for a different planet or some shit so they "recruit" (kidnap) him and leave a beta version body double who is basically retarded.  The kid witnesses all the other starfighters fall to the enemy, is a whiny bitch about going home, grows a pair of balls and finally helps the nice aliens defeat the mean aliens.

First.  Lance Guest did NOT grow up in a trailer park.  Nor does he look like he did.  He looks like he grew up in an affluent suburb in Northern California.  Sorry Lance.

Second.  The acting in this, across the board, is pretty terrible.  The saddest part of that is the fact that Robert Preston is in The Last Starfighter.  He plays the recruiter alien, Centauri.  I wanted him to be good in this.  He's great in other films.  He's Victoria's GBF in Victor/Victoria. He's the stinkin' Music Man!  But...in the end....it's still terrible.  As terrible as Cilantro, with a capital C which rhymes with T that stand for Terrible!!  Preston really phones it home. (Get it?  He's an alien. E.T.? Phone....oh never mind, it was stupid. Like this movie)

All right, I'm clearly on an unending, pathetic spiral into movie puns and idiocy.  Enough is enough.

(My drink pairing with this is a vodka martini.  I experimented with them in 1984.  I really didn't like them until probably 1987.  But drink enough of them and you'll forget ever having seen this movie.)

My takeaways:

#1 -  I'm going to make a generalization here and you can take it or leave it:  Movies about  video game players who use those skills to save the Earth are as good as they are realistic.

#2 - I don't think poor Lance Guest did much after The Last Starfighter.  Which makes me wonder if he had to move home to Saratoga at some point to live with his lovely mother.  I hope he was a good son.

#3 -  I'm torn about  "TSOP".  While I'm happy that there is a device at my fingertips that alleviates my boredom every second of every day, I hate that it's an initialism because that means it's common and accepted that everyone ignores everything.  Also, I DO NOT condone TSOP when seeing anything in public (movie, play, concert, etc).

xoxo....hashtagSueslife

A fab-u-lous tribute to Bowie

Alternately titled:  What I did this weekend.

I braved the crazy rain storm this Saturday, hauling my ass to the Castro Theatre to see what I thought was just a screening of The Man Who Fell to Earth with a Candy Clark Q&A. What I got was SO much better.

My original movie cohorts were both under the weather, but happily I found out my friends Karekin and Anthony were also going to be there.  So I got to sit with two of the most charming men you'd ever want to meet.

So what did I get besides a movie and a Q&A?  I got an evening of fabulously awesome drag queens sharing their love of Bowie.  Really anyone sharing their love of Bowie is pretty great, but when you think about what a role model/icon this man was for the LGBTQ community...pure gold.

It was parts sentimental and parts irreverent.  Oodles of outfits and glitter and makeup...oh my!  Just what you'd expect.  There were a variety of performers, some were great; my favorite - a long time fave of A & K, apparently - was Veronica Klaus.  She announced her songs by saying something about how she listened to Scary Monsters non-stop back in the day and her dad walked by her bedroom and said "I hope that's not what they're teaching you in school!"  She swept her beautifully clad arm out, smirked and quietly said "And here we are".  Kitten on the Keys also sang a song, which was lovely.  I can almost forgive her for NEVER being able to announce Clandestine properly at Tease O Rama (Clandes-TINE). Some performers weren't so great.  A choir did a really odd and semi-discordant rendition of "Life on Mars" after which Karekin and I looked at each other and grimaced.

The only disappointing part of the evening (aside from having to sit in wet clothes for 5 hours because of the storm) was the Q&A with Candy Clark.  She is the female lead of the film (she was also in American Graffiti - nominated for Best Supporting Actress for that film.) and I discovered (thanks Internet!) that she was also sleeping with the director at the time.  Her answers were pretty lackluster and not very well strung together, even though nearly all of them mimicked past interviews.  Same anecdotes, different day.  But the interviewer was HORRIBLE!  Anthony, Karekin and I all agreed that interviewing is truly a skill and this guy completely lacked it.  At one point, poor Candy couldn't even make heads or tails of his question and had to ask for clarification.  Seriously dude?

Anyway, I'd never seen this film before...so here you have it.

The Man Who Fell to Earth - released in 1976

When first released, the film didn't do that great but over the years has obtained true cult status.  Roger Ebert gave it 2.5 stars originally but 35 years later upped his rating to 3 stars.  His reason for this was that filmmakers just aren't allowed to make films of this style anymore.  Taking chances like that is frowned upon now.

And what is that style?  The film is directed by Nicholas Roeg.  He directed many films to varying degrees of success, but he started his career as a cinematographer and you can totally tell.  The shots in this film are beautiful and expansive.  Each composition conveys a lot of emotion, actually, whether it's a sprawling landscape with one broken down house breaking the emptiness or a claustrophobic shot of a New York high rise.

And you know what else is beautiful in this film?  David Stinkin' Bowie.  Holy shit.  He's this gorgeous, stylish, swan-necked beauty.  His skin is to die for - luminescent and flawless.  Did that guy even shave?  His hair is awesome - red with blond roots.  And the eyes.  Lord have mercy, the eyes.  

This is his first acting role and he KILLS IT.  I mean he is seriously amazing.  Nuanced.  Emotionless on the surface but fathomless underneath. The crazy thing I read is that he said he was high on coke the whole time this film was shooting.  He felt that he was just being himself on coke and that's what was captured on screen.  Damn.  In an interesting bit of maybe revisionist history, there is an interview with Candy Clark much later where she maintains that he had been sober prior to and while making this film.  Heh.

Buck Henry and Rip Torn (who was surprisingly hot in his youth.  Also we see his weenie.) were both really good in this.  Candy Clark was...okay, but I'm gonna say that I'm not a fan.  I think a slew of other actresses could have done this role better.  Sometimes it pays to sleep with the director.

The Man Who Fell to Earth is 100% a 70's movie.  It's meandering, non-linear and parts, frankly, are just a bit confusing.  There is a bunch of gratuitous nudity, which is kind of a 70's trademark, right?  The alien costumes look like white scuba suits and the "space ship" Bowie leaves on is pretty much a trailer on a monorail.  Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad I saw it.  It exemplifies, as Ebert said, how much filmmaking has changed over the years because of audience demand.  You'd be hard pressed - post Star Wars - to find a sci-fi film with a slow pace and no space battles.

(My drink pairing for this film is a Beefeaters gin and tonic in a tall glass.  The alien's drink of choice.)

My takeaways:

#1 - Candy Clark made some EXTREMELY questionable choices in husbands.  She had two.  Each lasted one year.  One was a drug addict (who was also at one time married to Helen Reddy! I am woman!) and the other was Marjoe Gortner who was an actor and an evangelist (from when he was 4 years old, apparently).  Google him.  He's freaky.

#2 - The best way to see ANY movie is with a drag show opener.

#3 - I'm putting it out there that Nicholas Roeg is not my favorite director.

xoxo...hashtagSueslife