So I was traveling a bit this Thanksgiving, so I'm going to offer up one of my early emails (from March, pre-blog) for this entry. You can see how my format has evolved a bit, but the snark never changes.
I'm also giving you something new: a holiday carol I wrote called The Twelve Days of Pet Sitting (sung to the obvious tune). This is dedicated to all those that I have at least given a bowl of food to, if not more (Dobby, Tikka, Mama Cat, the 2 Mama's Girls (fat and thin), Fluffy Boy, the boy cat named Sue, Daisy, Miss Kitty, and of course, my Cosmo).
Sleeping Maleficent:
To be honest, I've really been resisting watching Maleficent. I'm not sure why...probably the Angelina Jolie factor. I'm so tired of her "persona" and the whole "I'm a director of lofty topics" that I forget that she's actually a really good actress and chooses some fun films to be in. So I bit the bullet and started watching it.
I was pleasantly surprised by this film. First thing: her costuming is gorgeous. It's perfect, actually. She has some fake cheekbones, which are rather alarming but shape her face exactly like the animated cartoon. And her actual jawbone is freakish, quite honestly. It's so sharp and pronounced that I feel like her skin is just painted on her bone. Creepy. Her lipstick in this film is a deep, sultry red that looks fantastic.
(Here are the spoilers) Essentially the plot is this: Maleficent is a fairy. Wings, pointy ears, the whole nine yards. When she's young she falls for a boy named Stefan (I missed the first 5 minutes so I'm not sure why he's in the enchanted forest) and they share a kiss...true love's kiss, or so she thinks. Actually, Stefan is a power hungry prick, so he leaves Maleficent and the forest to go find his power within the human world. She takes on the role of Protecter of the Forest. The humans come in and try to fuck with the forest. She wins but the king is furious and wants revenge. He challenges all his squires (?) to kill her. Whoever kills her will succeed him. STEFAN volunteers (he really, really wants to be king) and goes to Maleficent. He sort of seduces her (no sex but she loves him again), feeds her a sleeping potion and CUTS OFF HER F'ING WINGS!! When she wakes the next morning, RazorJaw Jolie just howls. It's really touching. Chilling, actually. Anyway, she rebuilds her life and is understandably the most bitter fairy in the entire world. Stefan becomes king, has a baby....etc. Sleeping Beauty. One really cool thing is that the scene where she puts the curse on the baby Aurora is almost word for word from the original DIsney film.
There are the three good fairies in this film as well. Honestly, they are total dipshits. They reminded me of a less funny version of the witches in Hocus Pocus. The "smartest" fairy is played by the actress who played Dolores Umbridge in the Harry Potter films. She's kind of always a treat but was a bit wasted in this film.
The twist on this film is that Maleficent keeps watch on Aurora as she grows and falls in love with her (even though she calls her Beastie, which is funny). She tries to revoke the curse at one point, but can't. Karma's a bitch, honey. You do something shitty, this is what happens. There is a nice twist (not at all unexpected, though) with the true love's kiss that wakes Aurora and the ending is satisfying.
The effects in this film are pretty bad, which surprised me. There are a couple big fight scenes that look like a game company animated them and the good fairies (when tiny) are most definitely mo-cap, which is just shitty-looking in my opinion (think Polar Express...gah!)
For some reason, in both films, I couldn't get beyond the Spinning Wheel portion of the story. Essentially, King Stefan commands that all the spinning wheels are destroyed in the kingdom, yet all they do is stick them in an unused portion of the castle. Seriously?? You can't ACTUALLY get rid of them?? (Let's not even go there with how they made their clothes.) Also, they hide Aurora for 16 years to be returned on the day AFTER her 16th birthday. All the good fairies are one step from retarded, apparently, so that gets fucked up, but also I couldn't work out why they thought Maleficent would take action during those 16 years. She made her stand so why would they all worry that she'd change the stakes?
(My pairing suggestion for this movie is a Disney themed cocktail called Maleficent! (Black Vodka, Grape Schnapps (there's Grape??), Apple Pucker - who knew??))
My second film HAD to be Disney's Sleeping Beauty. I haven't seen it in years, it honestly wasn't one of my favorites. It was released in 1959. I was always more of a Warner Brothers kind of kid, so even though I saw the Princess films, I didn't obsess over them. Disney captured my heart with their talking animal films, actually. I had a charm bracelet (from a cereal box, as I recall...they put METAL - it was probably brass- in with the cereal! It's amazing kids from the 60's are alive at all) of the Jungle Book. It's the Bare Necessities, baby!
Anyway, the first thing that blew my mind about Sleeping Beauty is that it was created by NINETEEN animators! WHAT. THE. FUCK. Madagascar 3 had 70 animators. Jesus.
It's really a beautiful film. Again, it was very cool (and respectful) that Maleficent kept a fair amount of the dialog and the story of Aurora is also very similar with the exception of the ending. There is also the running song in the film "Once Upon a Dream" , which is based on Tchaikovsky's music from the ballet and also has been redone for the end song in Maleficent by Lana Del Rey (it's a great version).
There was a song fail in this film. One of the first songs had this truly amazingly complex dialog: "Hail to the King. Hail to the Queen. Hail to the Princess Aurora." That's it. Over and over and over.....zzzzz.
The good fairies aren't nearly as stupid in this version although it is their rivalry that alerts Maleficent to where they have hidden Aurora (or Briar Rose, which is what they call her to be sneaky...again, not sure why they were so worried since they fucked everything up on her 16th birthday which was the EXACT day they should have kept their shit together). It's also MUCH more "I need a man to complete me" and in a weird Snow White moment, she sings a song with all the forest animals. I'm sure this is a metaphor for something that I think I'd prefer not to know.
Maleficent is just pure evil in this film. I kind of like having a back story for her, it makes her meanness more palatable.
Also two more things about Spinning Wheels (see how much this affected me?). One is that Maleficent used some of the same shot compositions as the animated version, which I thought was cool.
The second thing is whenever I think of a spinning wheel, I think of Rumplestilskin. It's a missed opportunity to not use him whenever there is a spinning wheel. And naturally, he should be played by Peter Dinklage! :)
(My pairing for this film is the Disney themed cocktail Sleeping Beauty (Kinky Liqueur, Hypnotiq, Sprite))
My takeaways:
#1 - Be careful what you wish for (or curse), cuz sometimes it's irreversible.
#2 - I guess I never really was a Princess girl (besides Princess Leia). If Maleficent came out when I was young, I'd totally want to be her.
#3 - I really, really do love animation.
And my holiday gift to you:
The 12 Days of Pet Sitting
On the first day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the second day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the third day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the fourth day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the fifth day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the sixth day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Cleaned six pools of puke,
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the seventh day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Played seven rounds of Bird,
Cleaned six pools of puke,
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the eighth day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Heard eight Cosmo meows,
Played seven rounds of Bird,
Cleaned six pools of puke,
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the ninth day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Swept nine huge dust bunnies,
Heard eight Cosmo meows,
Played seven rounds of Bird,
Cleaned six pools of puke,
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the tenth day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Felt ten claws need trimming,
Swept nine huge dust bunnies,
Heard eight Cosmo meows,
Played seven rounds of Bird,
Cleaned six pools of puke,
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the eleventh day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Delivered eleven pills a-poppin’,
Felt ten claws need trimming,
Swept nine huge dust bunnies,
Heard eight Cosmo meows,
Played seven rounds of Bird,
Cleaned six pools of puke,
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
On the twelfth day of pet sitting, knew my chores and got the key:
Watched twelve Hallmark movies,
Delivered eleven pills a-poppin’,
Felt ten claws need trimming,
Swept nine huge dust bunnies,
Heard eight Cosmo meows,
Played seven rounds of Bird,
Cleaned six pools of puke,
CLIMBED FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
Scooped four litter boxes,
Found three lost toys,
Got two Tikka sniffs,
And Dobby hissed at me.
xoxo...hashtagSueslife
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