Judgey McJudgerson

Anyone who has had more than a five minute conversation with me probably knows I'm a fan of the TV show The Voice.

Don't judge.  I know that these shows are silly and fixed (at least to a degree), and I'm not even a fan of any of the judge's music but there is something about it that sucks me in.  Maybe it's the Adam/Blake bromance?  Or the fact that Pharrell seems like the nicest guy ever (apparently my brother and sister-in-law call him the Buddha, heh!)?  Or, most likely, it's because it's a show of people with crazy amazing singing voices that start out looking like they did their own hair and makeup and end up looking like superstars.

Anyway, don't worry...this isn't a post about that TV show.  But the other day I was flipping through the channels and the movie Burlesque was on.  And this post idea was born.  Let's examine movies the celebrity judges of The Voice have been in.  Lucky for you all, there are only a couple (I don't count Pharrell doing the music for movies like Despicable Me...the judges have to be "acting").

Christina Aguilera

Burlesque - released in 2010

This is Xtina's foray into feature films.  Its only 6 years ago, but she looks really young in this film.  She's also tiny.  And her hair is a lovely, healthy blonde, not the super bleached out, looks-like-it's-gonna-break-off-if-anyone-breathes-too-close-to-her platinum that it is now.  Well, actually RIGHT now it's a pale shade of lavender.  With weird rings in it.  Not my favorite look for her, but honestly if anyone can pull it off, it's Xtina.  She's also gained weight since Burlesque.  She looks great, but her outfit choices as a Voice coach are a bit suspect.  Half the time it looks like her boobs are going to pop out of her shirt if she takes a deep breath and she is consistently stuffed into something that looks two sizes too small.  I firmly believe one wouldn't even notice any weight gain if she dressed for her actual body instead of painting on these ridiculous outfits (and I'm not talking about wearing a muumuu...just wear a size 4 instead of a 0). 

Exhibit A - hair AND boobs from this week's Voice episode:

Anyway, the movie.  

I remember when I first saw this film, in the theatre.  Actually, let's be honest - I don't really remember all that much because I saw it with the ladies of Clandestine and Nalgenes of margaritas were in hand (and mouth, eventually).  What I DO remember is that it was pretty much just us 4 girls with rows and rows of gay boys.  Fabulous!  I also remember Clandestine having a glitter eye makeup epiphany.  Xtina sports some excellent eye art in this film.  Well, always really.  See above pic.

This is not a terrible movie.  It is also not a particularly good movie. It's truly "meh". It's a musical in the newer sense of the term - the songs still reflect the story arc but it's performances, not just Kansas farm girls meeting munchkins.  So Xtina's character delves into the world of burlesque at a club owned by the inimitable Cher.  Cher always delivers, IMHO.  She only has one song in this movie, but she sings the fuck out of it (if I remember correctly, some of the gay boys in the theatre might have clapped).  While I was watching I was hoping a conversation like this might have happened when they were casting:

Movie Exec:  Sorry Cher, this is a Christina Aguilera vehicle.  You know, we are breaking her into films so she's going to sing all the songs.

Cher:  Um, I'm mother-fucking Cher.   Half Breed, my daughter is now my son, a goddam fashion icon. CHER.  I'm doing a song.

Movie Exec:  Yes ma'am.

Stanley Tucci plays her gay best friend.  This was in Tucci's hey day of playing gay men (Devil Wears Prada).  I read that some folks find this a tad insulting - that a straight guy gets these roles when there are plenty of great gay actors.  (I wonder if Nathan Lane is the one calling foul on this?)  I can completely sympathize, but I have to give it to him.  He plays a really good gay best friend.

I don't think I'm gonna talk much about the story of this movie because #1 - there is barely any and #2 - it's really about Xtina singing.  And WOW is she a great singer.  I'm also gonna give her an acting shout out.  On The Voice, I don't always like her; she knows her business, but she seems snooty and cold and sometimes (mostly) when she's being all lovey with someone it feels forced to me.  She actually transcended that a bit in this film.   I'm not saying she's the next Meryl Streep, but it felt like she was actually "acting" like a nice person.

(My drink pairing for this is - obviously - a Nalgene of margaritas.  Probably made with Trader Joe's Margarita Mix. Yum!)

Adam Levine (and a bit part for CeeLo Green)

Begin Again - released in 2014

This movie was written and directed by John Carney, the writer/director of Once.  If you haven't seen Once, I highly suggest you watch it.  It's his first film, it's sweet and lovely and all about musicians.

This movie is also about musicians - clearly a subject that is close to Carney's heart (he was in a band called the Frames in the early 90's).  I liked this movie a lot.  Carney has a beautiful way of showing broken people slowly heal themselves through their music, their relationships and their relationship to music.

It's basically about a songwriter (Keira Knightly who, for obvious reasons I've always called Snaggletooth Knightly...there was a moment where I was actually worried that she employed an orthodontist, but I was happily incorrect...that crazy tooth is still there.  Top, screen right.) who gets dumped by her musician boyfriend when he becomes famous and a very down on his luck music executive (Mark Ruffalo) who is a total mess.  They meet and they begin to heal.

Adam Levine plays the successful musician boyfriend.  He cheats on Snaggletooth with someone he had just met.  Parts of this movie resonated with me in ways that I wish it didn't.  It's humiliating to become a stereotype and it makes me sad to think that so many people have their heads turned so quickly by the smallest amount of fame.  Suddenly love and loyalty mean very little to them and so much to those they leave behind.

Whoa.  Sorry.  Baggage alert.

Anyway, on The Voice, Adam Levine seems like an intensely focused, talented spoiled brat.  His character in this film doesn't seem to stray much from that, so while I thought he was good in this I don't feel like he made any great acting strides, you know?

Mark Ruffalo and Snaggletooth were both great.  They did have Snaggletooth sing, which I thought maybe wasn't the most amazing choice.  She's not bad but (like the Tucci argument) there are so many great actresses out there that can really, really sing.  Why not pick one?

There are some interesting supporting folks in here as well, like the aforementioned CeeLo Green (no acting skills at all...he's just CeeLo in all his charming glory) playing the performer that "made" Mark Ruffalo as an agent. Catherine Keener plays Ruffalo's wife (with very few lines which was a blessing...she bugs).  Mos Def plays his business partner and James Corden plays Snaggletooth's friend.  

I love James Corden.  I really, really do.

Similar to Once, Begin Again has an ending that on paper would seem very unsatisfying, but in actuality is just perfect.  Well played, John Carney, well played.

(My drink pairing for this film is a nice chardonnay - all bright notes and citrusy.  Nothing is shocking here but it's completely enjoyable.)

My takeaways:

#1 -  I think if I had never had my last relationship experience I would have liked Begin Again A LOT more.

#2 - I stand corrected about Blake Shelton's movie credits.  He was a voice in the new animated feature, Angry Birds and he's apparently in an Adam Sandler movie.  No matter.  I'm not gonna revue it.

#3 - I think Pharrell has the most beautiful face.  

xoxo...hashtagSueslife

SugarTits (a post from the past)

The past couple weeks have been exceedingly busy and I haven't even had a chance to sit down and watch movies (it's all I can do to keep up with this season of The Voice - don't judge!).

I originally wrote this in Feb 2015 (so the "last week" mentioned below isn't LAST week). And I hope you all remember the incident which is the reason for the title of this blog:

"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" — to female police officer during 2006 DUI arrest

(I actually was going to point you to a link of all the terrible things Gibson has said over the years, but they are frankly scary as shit.  He's a complete nutter.)

So until we meet again, Happy Cinco de Mayo...have a margarita for me!

Last week I was (again) watching commercial TV and the Lethal Weapon series was on.  Naturally my first thought on this was "Pure Gold"!  I mean, how can you lose?  I could go with two from the series, I could go with Danny Glover or...the obvious choice.

So it's been years since I've seen Lethal Weapon.  I loved it when it came out...cop movie, buddy movie, Mel Gibson's naked ass.  It was released in 1987 and spawned FIVE sequels.  Wow.   The "1987" was so clear in the hairdos (Mel is sporting a fine mullet) and outfits. And the music is all bluesy sax.  The story is that Mel plays a guy who's had a lot of personal tragedy and no one can tell if he's truly crazy or trying to pull a scam to get out of his job.  There is a poignant (heh) scene where Mel is maybe gonna put a bullet in his brain, but ends up all sobby instead.  Danny Glover is a guy who just turns 50 and doesn't want to deal with any of this.  His tagline is 'I'm too old for this shit".  They get caught up in stuff they shouldn't which leads to Glover's family being threatened.  Then Mel gets to show off and shoot a lot of people.

To add to the crazy in this movie is Gary Motherfucking Busey!  I had completely forgotten he was in this!  He's a bizarre guy anyway, but he's playing a really driven second to the main bad guy.  He does shit like burns his arm with a lighter but doesn't flinch.  Oy!

Sidenote: my mother LOVED Danny Glover, she met him at the Bammies one year and he kissed her cheek.  She was over the moon.  Even back then (nearly 30 years!) he still moved like an old man.  I looked up if he had any injuries when he was young...I discovered he's epileptic and dyslexic but nothing about why he runs like he's 80.

(I'd suggest pairing this movie with a PBR.  Seriously, it's such a dude movie)

To round out my Gibson experience, I thought I'd revisit Mad Max.  Mad Max came out in 1978.  I didn't discover it until 1981, after I saw The Road Warrior and my world was rocked.  Some of you may know this, but when I went to college, my dream was to move to Australia and make movies with George Miller and Peter Weir.  I loved their movies so much in the '80s!

Mel Gibson is a baby in this movie.  He is adorable, honestly.  But O.M.G. is the dialog in this film terrible.  There is a whole section where Mel and his wife go on this vacation and he tries to tell her that he loves her but he's crap at it.  He gets teary here too.  What's with the crying all the time, Mel?  Showing your "acting" chops??  The bad dialog is made up for by the excellent costuming and hair-raising chase scenes!  I think this film was made on a shoestring budget (I read that only Mel and one other guy got to wear real leather as their costumes...all the other cops had to wear vinyl cuz it's cheaper), so it's pretty impressive that it's so ambitious.

Anyway, Max actually doesn't get "mad" until the last 15 minutes of this movie.  Seriously?   For an hour and 15 minutes he's all sappy and wanting to quit his job because it's dangerous and his friends are getting hurt (my favorite is the guy who has a throat injury and has to talk through one of those mechanical things!).  Then his family is killed by the crazy gang of hooligans and he gets Mad.  He paints his car all black (Sexy!  Before it was yellow and said Interceptor on the back), gets shot in the leg, run over, whatever.  He's like the Terminator...he doesn't quit until he's killed everyone he wants to.

The music was particularly interesting to me.  It is completely over the top dramatic and was really reminding me of Hitchcock movies.  It turns out the composer's earlier work reminded George Miller of Hitchcock's composer which is why he was chosen.  

(My pairing suggestion for this one is a valium and a big glass of water.  It's a stressy film!)

My take away is this:

#1 - Mel had no choice but to go batshit crazy after all the bizarre shit that is the Mad Max world and Gary Busey. He's been surrounded by it from the get go.

#2 - He really has beautiful eyes.

#3 - I wonder what would have happened if he'd stayed in Australia?  Would he have stayed sane?

#4 - I watched a lot cop/car chase movies when i was young (I still do).

All right...there you have it.  I thought about doing a Mel Gibson flight but there was NO WAY I was going to watch Apocalypto.

xoxo....hashtagSueslife